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PAGE TWO
Cannibals in the workplace--don't go there
>
> A big corporation
recently hired several cannibals in the interest of
> cultural diversity.
>
> "You are all part of our
team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming
> briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
>
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other
> employees."
>
> The cannibals promised
they would not. Four weeks later, their boss
> remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you.
>
However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know
> what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook
their heads no.
>
> After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
> "Which one of
you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose
> hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You
fool -
> for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But
> Noooooo, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does something!"
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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
>
> 1) No matter
how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
> 2) When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her
> brush your hair.
> 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
> always catch the second person.
> 4) Never ask
your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when
someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8)You can't
hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The
best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
>
>
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I
>
can get.
> 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
> while you're down there.
> 4) You're
getting old when you get the same sensation
> from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
>
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
> nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
> 6) Time may
be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
> 1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2 -- You don't believe
in Santa Claus.
> 3 -- You are Santa Claus.
> 4 -- You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
>
>
SUCCESS:
>
> At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . . having friends.
> At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
> At age 35 success is . . having money.
> At age
50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 70 success is . .. . having a driver's license.
> At age 75 success
is . . . having friends.
> At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when
this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with
a
menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come
on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says.
'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man
crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between
sobs. 'I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss
fired me.
When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed
with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar trying to work up the
courage to put an
end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison in my drink.
Thanks Hammer
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Long Hair
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a
minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades
up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied,
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and
even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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Biker's Letter To Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before,
but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has
been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been
going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work,
you don’t know them.”
One time I picked up her cell phone just to see what time it was and she went berserk
and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Last night she went out again
and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I
noticed that the valve cover on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or
should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Bob
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Harley rider and God
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California
beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to
be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii
so I can ride
over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges
for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would
take! It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for
worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought
about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know
how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me
the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she
says nothing's
wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a
Woman truly happy.'
The
Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Sent in by Judy
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Young Chuck,
moved to Texas and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up
and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok,
then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with
him?
Chuck
said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
?You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure
I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said,
'I
raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
profit
of $898.00.'
The
farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government. |
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PAGE TWO
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COME AND RIDE WITH US!!!!
 
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